Saturday, August 29, 2015

Lost Faith, Broken Soul

Bit by bit my soul breaks away
Piece after piece, I feel it decay

A broken smile, to match my broken heart
The way it bleeds out feels almost like art

A lonely girl hides deep inside
In only myself can she confide

Silent screams come out of sorrow
Muted cries for a better tomorrow

Dear God, why? I'll plead
Why would you leave me in my time of need?

I lost my faith when my life turned towards hell
If this God is real, he has explanations to tell

I believe in tomorrow, and the memories of yesterday 
I believe in myself, that I won't lead me astray

The times they are tough, and they're sure to get worse
But I'll keep on fighting until I lie in my hearse

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Did I really just stay up all night?

after watching shows and reading books and being drawn into my phone over the course of the night, I looked outside and began to see the sun... 5:00 AM. Did I really just stay up all night? I was pretty disgusted with myself. I can't believe it. I was watching a pointless show on netflix...for a strange reason, I felt sick. at what point did i change and begin make poor decisions? I've been making a lot of bad ones over the course of several months. at what point did I change?

My thoughts and emotions were running high this morning. reflecting back on how I use to be so established, strong and devoted. now, the only thing I can do is school, work, sleep, eat, repeat. I use to be great in sports, church callings, socially...just, great all around. my desire isn't as it use to be. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I hadn't slept that these thoughts and emotions were coming to the surface, or I was having a moment of clarity, opening my eyes to see that, my daily habits, weren't so beneficial to me, and my happiness. I know, God wants more for me that just school, work, sleep, eat, and repeat like a robot.

I couldn't handle these feelings. I wanted to get out. I got  up and grabbed my hiking shoes, my osprey pack and went out the back door. thankfully we live right on the mountain. I hiked up the hill and cut through my neighbors yard and started my ascend up the mountain. I knew this mountain well. it was my playground as a kid. as I started hiking, the wind tossed the wild grass back and forth. my trail hadn't be used in so long. the shrubs began to over take it. But I continued forward. I thought about the trail, and my hike up the mountain. the un-kept path I was on, was like the path i was taking in life. unsettled and with out proper knowledge of where it went. I could stray. The farther up the steeper it became and the canyon wind was strong this morning. I had to lean into the mountain a bit to stay vertical. the ascend became harder. more than it should have been. The scripture, Helaman 5:12

"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our redeemer, who is christ, the son of god, that ye must build your foundation: that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have  no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

christ will help us clean up our trails, and make it better than before. no matter how hard life is right now, keep a strong faith in christ and his atonement and things will work out. he is the light and life of the world. follow him. put on your armor of light every day. its a constant battle out there. I often feel like i'm losing my fight. but I have family and friends who are always reminding me, the battle is not lost til you stop fighting. Christ's team is the winning team, stay on it.


I feel pressure everywhere.

There is pressure to walk a fine wire, greased with WD-40. destined to slip and fall and get sliced open on the way down. I'm done feeling like this. I'm jumping off before I start. There's a new road I'm going to embark. I don't know where it is yet or where it's going to lead me. I'll construct it as I go.