I've been really struggling putting anything out in words or on paper lately. I guess you could say recent events in my life really haven't been all to splendid. The past month I've really been pondering and stressing about what I really want. and what my desires are.
In life there are High and low points. I've definitely have been stuck in a low point for awhile, and I've been wondering...do i want to get out of this cycle? or am i comfortable with myself and want to stay where i am now. well to be honest... i really wanted both. but i can't.
i have been battling myself. like literally have an internal war.
i know at the end of last Sunday (22nd) i could not make the decision on my own. i had to kneel and pray...which was part of my internal battle.
tormented was my soul and prideful was my heart to the point where i had to forced myself to read and article that had been referred to me. Ezra Taft Benson, "A mighty Change of Heart," Ensign, Oct. 1989". in there it states "...no one is more anxious to see us change our lives than the Father and the savior." then quotes the verse in Rev. 3:20, "I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come to him...note that he does not say, I stand at the door and wait for you to knock. He IS CALLING, BECKONING, AND ASK THAT WE SIMPLY OPEN OUR HEARTS AND LET HIM IN."
That hit me like a power round house kick to the face! (I felt the spirit press that to my heart)
I pondered on it, however the battle inside my was still full force. I decided to read some of the book "believing Christ" as i read i had to force my mind to focus on the words which my eyes were looking at...when i did, at that moment...i came across the same topic! ...the lord is knocking, he is waiting, and he wants us to open the door so he can heal us!"
by this time I was in tears. and so exhausted with the battle within that I was losing with myself. twice now the spirit has told me to open up to my savior. I finally decided to pray, but i was having a really hard time finding the floor with my knees.
So many thoughts flourished my mind. doubts more or less...
i could not replace my stubbornness with submission. Hate and anger and despair entangled my spirit and was suffocating it.
I have been taught that to be saved or be worthy of grace you must have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. but in that hour i had no broken heart or contrite spirit. just a stubborn and prideful heart. what do i pray for?...do i pray for grace when i don't have the intent to use it? no. pray the words i don't believe? no.
i cannot describe every feeling or thought...
but in the middle of all this doubt and fear i some how ended up on my knees struggling to start my prayer. after fighting myself and fighting my pity state i opened my mouth, and through my tears, spiritual struggle, and exhaustion, my prayer was simple...
"heavenly father, help me!...help me open up my heart to my savior!...that he can heal me...please help my stubborn soul become submissive. work with me and help build my faith in thy son..."
puffy eyes, and sore muscles were all that was left from the battle within.
I knelt at the edge of my bed, and the moment i said amen...my mind stopped reeling. my emotional pain ceased. and i felt the comfort of my savior as if he were literally hugging me. it felt so real. i felt love. and i felt peace.
though i continue to better myself, and work on my stubbornness. I know the lord is with me and loves me and is pleased that i continue to try and try again.
I know I'm struggling with my desires, but i know if i continue to pray and build my faith, and serve others... my desire to do good and create and become the person i want to be, it'll happen.
through acts and prayer.