the battle within

I've been really struggling putting anything out in words or on  paper lately. I guess you could say recent events in my life really haven't been all to splendid. The past month I've really been pondering and stressing about what I really want. and what my desires are.

In life there are High and low points. I've definitely have been stuck in a low point for awhile, and I've been wondering...do i want to get out of this cycle? or am i comfortable with myself and want to stay where i am now. well to be honest... i really wanted both. but i can't.

i have been battling myself. like literally have an internal war.

i know at the end of last Sunday (22nd) i could not make the decision on my own. i had to kneel and pray...which was part of my internal battle.

tormented was my soul and prideful was my heart to the point where i had to forced myself to read and article that had been referred to me. Ezra Taft Benson, "A mighty Change of Heart," Ensign, Oct. 1989". in there it states "...no one is more anxious to see us change our lives than the Father and the savior." then quotes the verse in Rev. 3:20, "I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come to him...note that he does not say, I stand at the door and wait for you to knock. He IS CALLING, BECKONING, AND ASK THAT WE SIMPLY OPEN OUR HEARTS AND LET HIM IN."

That hit me like a power round house kick to the face! (I felt the spirit press that to my heart)

I pondered on it, however the battle inside my was still full force. I decided to read some of the book "believing Christ" as i read i had to force my mind to focus on the words which my eyes were looking at...when i did, at that moment...i came across the same topic! ...the lord is knocking, he is waiting, and he wants us to open the door so he can heal us!"

by this time I was in tears. and so exhausted with the battle within that I was losing with myself. twice now the spirit has told me to open up to my savior. I finally decided to pray, but i was having a really hard time finding the floor with my knees.

So many thoughts flourished my mind. doubts more or less...
i could not replace my stubbornness with submission. Hate and anger and despair entangled my spirit and was suffocating it.

I have been taught that to be saved or be worthy of grace you must have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. but in that hour i had no broken heart or contrite spirit. just a stubborn and prideful heart. what do i pray for?...do i pray for grace when i don't have the intent to use it? no. pray the words i don't believe? no.
i cannot describe every feeling or thought...

but in the middle of all this doubt and fear i some how ended up on my knees struggling to start my prayer. after fighting myself and fighting my pity state i opened my mouth, and through my tears, spiritual struggle, and exhaustion, my prayer was simple...
"heavenly father, help me!...help me open up my heart to my savior!...that he can heal me...please help my stubborn soul become submissive. work with me and help build my faith in thy son..."

puffy eyes, and sore muscles were all that was left from the battle within.

I knelt at the edge of my bed, and the moment i said amen...my mind stopped reeling. my emotional pain ceased. and i felt the comfort of my savior as if he were literally hugging me. it felt so real. i felt love. and i felt peace.

though i continue to better myself, and work on my stubbornness. I know the lord is with me and loves me and is pleased that i continue to try and try again.
I know I'm struggling with my desires,  but i know if i continue to pray and build my faith, and serve others... my desire to do good and create and become the person i want to be, it'll happen.

through acts and prayer.

The Solution to Resolutions

today is the day before the day, before the new year... wait, what?
today is the day before new years eve!
what is the 1st thing that pops into my head when someone says new years? RESOLUTIONS!
New year resolutions are great things, they bring some new spunk to the up coming year right? they  rekindle the Hope to make a difference in your life. its possible!
i have my list of resolutions as most people do;

Train for a half marathon in idaho
read from the scriptures everyday
read a talk or message from a general authority every sunday
when i think negative about someone, think of two positive things about them (including myself)
spend more time at the gym (guilty)
cut back off the dr. pepper (this will be the hardest one of them all!)

If I can do everything on that list, my life will definatley take a turn for the better.

now, I'm not perfect. unfortunately. so I know that I won't always be running, reading, studying, thinking positive, working out, or drinking water instead of dr. pepper! kind of a bummer. what happens then?..i've messed up. i'm not going to ever achieve that goal. WRONG!

wise words from Michael Jordan, "If you're trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I've had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."

the best thing about a new year, is that there are 365 new beginnings. yeah, you messed up on your resolution. so? strive for a better tomorrow! the solution to our failed resolutions is taking advantage of the small new beginnings everyday. recommit every night to what you know will create a life you long after. never get discouraged on your progress.

every night after my nightly routine, i just lay in my bed with the light on. i think on the day which has now past...what was good, and what was bad. Then I think about what I'll continue to do good, and what I can strive to do better. I turn off the light and say aloud,

"here's to a better tomorrow"

spreading holiday cheer

Christmas

it's a wonderful time of the year. full of giving, good tidings and cheer. it's a season of joy, peace, and love. it's a holiday to celebrate our savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

I love Christmas! it's my favorite holiday. but for some reason...I hadn't been getting into the christmas spirit this year like i would have hoped. I had everything crossed off my list. greeting cards, check. presents, check. updated budget...eh, not quite. I was set for christmas. But it did not feel like christmas was a week away. what's up with that? I started wondering why christmas wasn't feeling all that great.

I had a relief society christmas lunch with my ward today. the bishops wife spoke, and asked us to remember a christmas that you remember, and what made it so great...
 Christmas 2005, my family and I traveled up to idaho to spend the holiday with my grandparents. I remember getting a koala bear beanie baby from my grandma Jensen. I loved that beanie baby. I remember this christmas and that beanie baby distinctly because it was the last christmas i ever had with my grandma. she past away two months later.
Christmas 2010, my family and I traveled up once again to idaho. this time however, we traveled up to our family cabin. we snow shoed into the cabins with all our gear. my dad had a christmas tree lit and it was nice to have family around. the best part about that chirstmas, was walking over to our cabin neighbor maraline who lives up there year round, with some treats and to sing some carols. that was the first time she has had carolers in decades.
the bishops wife made an excellent analogy. "its not the places or the gifts that makes the holiday special, but the people."

i remember christmas '05 because it was the last christmas i enjoyed with my grandma jensen.
christmas '10 was important to me because my family and i brought joy to our friend and neighbor who was alone on christmas.

what you do for others, and what you do with your loved ones make the holiday bright.

I am grateful for that lesson from the bishops wife. it really set the tone for me, and got me in the right mind set for christmas. I hope and pray everyone spreads holiday cheer, whether be by word or by action. no one should be left giftless this christmas season. its all about giving of ones self to make another's life seem a bit brighter. i am thankful for jesus christ, and this holiday to celebrate his birth. he is the ultimate symbol of hope. which everyone should feel a bit hopeful this time of year.

if you are having a hard time feeling the holiday cheer, try giving something away to someone. let me know if you feel the holiday cheer after you have spread it around a bit.

merry christmas everybody!

In Every step, In Every Change

Do not be discourgaged if life isn't all you want it to be right now. Don't fret if your plans A, and B have fallen through. don't feel alone, because no one has recognized you today.
have faith, god knows best for you. everything is in the lord's time. so don't be discouraged if life isn't all what it's cracked up to be right now. because heavenly father has great things waiting for you ahead. Don't fret if your plans A and B have failed. because heavenly father's plan C is much better than your plan A or B. And don't feel alone, because heavenly father never leaves your side.
the lord is with us in every step, and every change
I don't know anything that explains it better than the lyrics of the hymn, "be still my soul".

verse 1:
"Be still; my soul, the lord is on thy side
bear patiently the cross of grief and pain;
leave to your god to order and provide.
in every change god faithful will remain
be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through throny ways lead to a joyful end."

heavenly father will help us through whatever comes our way. in every step, in every change, he'll never leave our side.

what's life without...

What's life without some hard times? without hard times, i wouldn't know the easy ones when they came along. what's life with out some failure? without failure i wouldn't recognize my successes. what is life without some pain? without pain i wouldn't understand relief.

yesterday was thanksgiving, a time to reflect on what you are most grateful for. I had a hard time deciding on what I wanted to highlight this year, because i am a very grateful person for all i have. for the past couple weeks i've been hearing, and reading what my friends and family are thankful for. i have to say that all the people around in my life are truely amazing people. some were thankful for families, warm houses, food in their bellies! some reflected their gratitude towards the savior and his ultimate sacrifice.

recent events in my life, and also events in my friends life lead me to my decision of what i am thankful for most...as of right now. and i'm going against the grain here.

i'm thankful for hardships

because without messing up in life, and causing pain or discomfort to myself...I wouldn't be able to recognize success, joy, and laughter! i take 2 steps forward, and slide 1 step back alot of the time, but i gotta remember i took one more step forward than i did back. without the trials in my life, i would not become the person heavenly father has planned for me.

which i guess is number 2 for what i am thankful for. with all my flaws and mess ups, there has to be a way to get up. I'm so thankful for my my brother jesus christ. we have some great teamwork. when i get pushed down, or i cause my own fall i know he is right there waiting for me to reach my hand up to take his hand so he can pull me back up. he knows my pain, and he knows my joys. he knows my weaknesses, and he knows my strengths. every day i thank heavenly father for giving up his son for us, so that we can fail, repent, and continue to press forward and create a life that heavenly father has planned for us.

i'm thankful

be the difference

I was listening to my music trying to hear something that would move me into writing something on here because I've started to loose some faith in the words that I've written.

I came across the song "with my own two hands" by Jack Johnson and Ben Harper. I'm not going to say much about it because the lyrics speak for themselves.

Yes, we make mistakes.

No, we do not have to let our mistakes define us.

I am who I am, and I can either run from it, or embrace it. Heavenly father has a plan for all his children. We can help each other succeed in life with our hands. There is always someone out there who know's our pains. We can help each other get through them with direction from heavenly father. When we do that, we can make this world a better place

I don't doubt what I write. create yourself how you want to be, then help others see what they can be.

change

starting new can be a difficult task. especially if you're as stuborn as I am. mistakes and regrets still haunt me. change can be a nightmare.

Where do the words hide?
You know, The ones that we can never are able to find in a moment of vulnerability?
When is the right moment to scream out “hey, I'm hurting!” or “my heart is broken!”?
Why is the natural answer to the question, “what can I do to help?” always, “nothing”? Because it's never nothing, there is always something.
We all have moments of weakness, how do we let people know that we need help?
Do we just watch each other fall? Or is there some way to know who needs help?

I have found myself in this situation on numerous occasions. Whether it be me wondering should I lend my hand...or, won't you help me up?

Sometimes, we don't expect things to happen like they do. And sometimes, we are expecting the unexpected, and are ready. Too many times I've been expecting the unexpected, and it still comes unexpectedly.

The only thing in life that doesn't change, is that life changes. Change is the only consistent thing in life. It is the one thing that will always be there, and will never be removed of. There are those who don't take change well at all.

I know all to well.

To not be able to let events go that are in the past, good or bad...

The moments which are stunned in our memories while time continues to surpass us.

Living in the “what was” and not the “what is” or the now, can destroy people. It destroyed someone that I knew very well.

Change means well, but it sure does traumatize the weak in spirit.

Change happens to those who try to rage war against someone or something, to try to settle the disagreement of power, or other circumstance. We always hope for the better change, but it doesn't always come out that way.

And when it doesn't, we are left standing at a crossroad.

Should we use this change to our advantage, and find the meaning behind it?

Or sulk down into the darkness of our failure.

I have been the one to yield to the fever of war against myself, my friends, my family.

Not meaning to cause contention, but to resolve the other circumstances.

how ever, every time the signal of war has been given, I have no control of the contention brought up, tears shed, trusts broken, and lives ruined.

Can it be healthy to remember the “what was” in our lives?

If there ever is a time in life to look back on a first kiss story, or getting your first pair of real Nike basketball shoes...it would be in dark suppressing moments of life. When you need a glimpse of light to wash out the dye of depression and grief.

What is the “dye” of depression and grief?

Being caught in a lie?

Losing a loved one?

Choosing the easy way out?

Addiction?

Ignorance?

Being neglected?

Is it knowing that you have chosen to sulk in your failures instead of rising up to defeat your opponent, who or what ever it maybe...?

I guess the actual “dye”, are the consequences of our bad choices, or the affects of others and their bad choices. The change of pace in life that does not settle with our stomach of emotion.
Now that I ponder on it more...Can it ever be healthy to reflect on the “what was” of our lives?
Or will it just leave us with the bitter taste of regret left in our mouths?
And then darken the dye of depression and grief.

This world we live in thrives on tragedy. It's all you hear on the news.

“another man stabbed and robbed today”

“suicidal teen shoots up local high school”

“old folks home caught on fire”

“gas prices continue to shoot up sky high”

“boy scout lost in the woods for 3 days”

“a jeep roll over in local high school takes one players life”

We get too caught up in the tragedy, that we forget to enjoy reality. To look out into this wide and spacious world, and remind ourselves; there will never be another one of us as individuals. We all play a major roll in life, and bring new cards to the game table. After we're gone, our individual is gone. And there will never be another one...of us.

Voltaire once stated, “Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her: but once they are in hand, he or she must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.”
“to be or not to be...that is the question, why?” well, when you are given charitable attributes, don't you have to decide if and how you will use them?

All of us have something to share or give to each other.

It's interesting...pondering on the matter...

when have you been in a strangers life without knowing it? How many times have you been in the moment of someones greatest victory?

How many times have you been in their tragedies?

Someone always needs saving in their moment of tragedy. Who will save them?

I realize how random and scrambled this might sound, but isn't that how life is? We get caught up in the moments that we live, and they get so swirled around with our emotions. One second you'll be in the moment where everything is right in the world – You are happy. The next, you're in spiral down fall – miserable.